“Let me understand this correctly. You are only been onsite once this Monday. Most of the staff also put more than 12hrs a day and commute so you working same amount of time does not automatically earn you exceptions. You care not to answer my email that I sent you yesterday until this morning, and now you are telling me that you are making some kind of concession. I appreciate hard work you do, but this does not mean that you can go along making your own rules whenever you feel like it. Here is my compromise.I will reconsider Monday three months from now, and you need to be onsite other days if needed to get the team up to speed quickly.
I appreciate hard work you do, but this does not mean that you can go along making your own rules whenever you feel like it.”

Bonus points for sounding like english is your third language.

I’m looking for a long-term relationship with a PHP developer.
1. Do you have a full-time job? If so, stop reading. This is not for you.

2. Are you a full-time freelancer or have your own company? If so, stop reading. This is not for you.

3. Do you live outside of New York City? If so, stop reading. This is not for you.

4. Do you often quit on assignments or make excuses when things become too difficult? If so, stop reading. This is not for you.

5. Do you send generalized responses or automated responses to every ad posted for help in Craigslist? If so, stop reading (oh, you’re not reading this anyway). This is not for you.

Ideally, I’m looking for someone who enjoys programming, challenges, and is honest, thorough, dedicated, persistent and ,perhaps even, a perfectionist. Maybe you are a very good student or a bad one, nevertheless, a very quick learner with some work already done and presentable.

Translation:  I am looking to build a longterm relationship with someone who doesn’t pay rent, or understand the full cost of taxes as a freelancer.  Must have professional skills.

For example, a redesign with a chosen bit of technology as the platform (which as the client, you are, of course, more qualified to choose than the developer), aesthetic for one of the highest-trafficked sites online (which of course, requires no more than goodwill to upkeep),  and a stipend of $120/day for two weeks.

But get this– if you finish on time, you get a bonus!

The best part of this entire endeavour was the assertion that client wasn’t “just looking for someone who needed a job.”

Apparently, this is a gig for the independently-wealthy, vanity-project oriented kind of professional, who is willing to work as a minimum wage contract employee… just because.

It began when I answered a craigslist ad seeking a partner for the technical aspects of web development.  While I have a hand in some design, I prefer sticking to the code, so I respond to these ads from time to time.  So I sent off the informal cover letter detailing my experience with various scripting languages, frameworks, common CMS, the works.

I hear back shortly from “Nancy”, who seems delighted with my qualifications.  She has a project coming up, and needs my help to get the proposal together.

Nancy claims that I will receive half the money as outlined in the proposal, and that she’ll get me a more formal agreement when the work starts.

The fact that Nancy can’t even pull together her own proposal, paired with her “at future date” promise, make me a bit skeptical, but I’m a good sport and this is honestly pretty easy, so whatever.  I let her know what open source software would help her out and be easy to maintain, how long the programming will take.  I state matter-of-factly that I would not work for any less than the number she’s set forth for such a project, and she agrees this seems fair.

We go back and forth several times.  She seems a bit unwilling to commit to any specific software solutions, and needs to check with a pro to see if various blog CMS would be better than what she had already agreed suited her needs.

She states that there’s no need to meet with me at any time, because this is not an actual project we’re working on.  She asks for my hourly rate, which I give her.  Her next reply is:

Okay, thanks for the reply – I will let you know what’s up when / if
I need to oursource!

Funny–I thought 14 emails and proofing your proposal was outsourcing!

The next day, seems Nancy’s got another “quick question”.

Since I’ve been so compliant so far in answering her very basic questions, she comes back a few days later with this winning question.. you can really tell she’s actually designed a site before.

I am writing a potential schedule for the client; when it gets time
to implement the design into the CMS, how would it work best for us -

1) start at the beginning once we have a final link structure to do a
basic layout, with no design
2) we break down the design into html? php? <— how does this part
of the process work best / how long would you say each design would
take to break down and turn into the proper format, if you had to
estimate? let’s say there are 15 main pages that are designed,  16
including the home page. I know that once the home page is done and a
couple of internal pages, it gets easier from there. I am hoping that
the page designs won’t be too different from each other, but it’s an
artsy thing, so who knows.

Thoughts?

Immediately after this message in my inbox is this heart-warming affirmal of my skills:

Okay cool, you rock! It’s nice to have someone who knows what they
are doing…!

Her last communication to me in regards to this project?  A warning that people are always out to shortchange you, and more thanks for my “services”.

Yah, you always have to watch your back with that… or you could
seriously get screwed…. Thanks for the great communication! It’s really pleasant to talk freelance with someone else in the web world.

Well, elle, you’re welcome for your free proposal!  It certainly has been nice learning just how little some people know about their “business”.

Part II:  I document the second run in with this chronic outsourcing flake of a craigslister, and, depending on my mood and thirst for lawsuits, reveal the identity of my non-professional Nancy.